Lately, my insides have felt like a battle ground for the battle of who I was and who I so badly want to be. There are moments when I can see this future that is beyond anything anyone led me to believe I ever deserved. Then there are those moments when I remember the way things have always worked out and what I’ve been told since I was a little girl.
Yesterday, I sat in church and had an experience I’ve never had before. I wrote down a thought in my planner that I take sermon notes in. At the end of the service, as the pastor was addressing the congregation, that pastor gave me my answer, God answered me through him. I became physically sick and went to the bathroom to throw up.
All day yesterday, like many of the days over the past month or so, there was this heaviness in my chest. I’ve described it as a feeling of my emotions being held captive inside me. There have been moments where I want to engage in something or someone but the little spot in me that hangs on to the ‘what has been” and the “what ifs” holds me back from being able to. Today, that spot is gone.
I firmly believe there are moments in our lives where we are forever completely changed. That one moment in time marks our life with a before and after, last night I had one of those moments.
God has been guiding me to a life he wants for me. He has been putting people in my life that are good for the life He has planned for me. Most of all, He has been calling me to move from the places that I was comfortable at. I need to move to continue to grow and I have been ignoring His voice telling me so.
Today, I feel the most amazing sense of freedom. I’m not afraid to let go of the things that have been holding my emotions hostage. I’m not afraid to submit my life to God. I no longer care about the way things have always been but more about how amazing things will be. I know that if I live from the inside out and let God live in me, I can face whatever comes my way. Today, I feel the most overwhelming feeling of love and happiness. I don’t know how I ever lived my life without God but I am so thankful for His grace and mercy so that I can have a chance to build this relationship with Him now.
All I can say is this, if you feel like your life has more than you can handle or that there is something missing, open up to the thought of letting God work in your life as He has mine. Take time to visit a church, go to a local Celebrate Recovery program, or just sit down and pray to Him. I promise if you’ll open up to Him, He will do for you what He has done for so many others.