Mess to a Message

My Journey of Recovery and a New Life in Christ

One of the hardest things I’ve hard to learn lately is that I am not powerful enough to remove or add people into my life that God does not want there.  I have tried to hang onIMG_8392 to people way to long and there have been people I have tried to get rid of that just keep on staying in my life.  I was reading the saying to the right and I completely disagree.  I believe there is a lesson or reason to each person being in your life.  I look back over the friendships in my life and how some of them had ended and am so thankful things went the way they did.

There is one particular person that I was inseparable with.  I would say this was probably the first time I had what was consider a best friend.  I was accused of something by this person that was completely against my morals and I did not take it laying down.  It has been hell ever IMG_8393since.  I still have to cross paths with this person from time to time.  She has made it very clear that I am hated.  Although I was devastated at the time for the loss of this friendship, it is one of my most appreciated blessings.  I’ve learned that people grow spiritually and personally at different paces, some stall and some flourish.  I realize that had God not removed them, I would probably never had room to grow.  I outgrew that friendship and it was time for me to move on to do what God had in store for me.

Lately, I have struggled with God and some newly formed friendships.  I had been praying for God to give me some friends that believed in God and that would support my desire to grow spiritually. I found that in the last year and was so happy.  I believed that I had finally had a spiritual foundation that I could start building on.  I was grounded inIMG_8133 serving, bible study, and a restoration program.  I frequently included these people in my gratitude list each day and prayed for them to stay for a long time.  After a while, things started to not feel right.  I was joining in on the type of conversations that destroyed my self esteem when I was on the other side of it.  You see, I would have the worst gut feelings after I left because it seemed that whoever wasn’t present, is who was the topic of conversations.  I can’t even tell you some of the things that I’ve heart about myself that have been discussed at such gatherings.  I found myself stuck and torn.  I didn’t have the guts to say, we shouldn’t being talking about people like this, so I went along.  I slowly started not liking the woman in the mirror again, I was disappointed in her.  I started pulling away slowly and wasn’t sure how to handle it.  Then there was the IMG_2176moment that would change everything, I listen to things I had no business listening to.  I asked myself, “what are you doing and why are you still listening?”  These are huge no no’s and in my EMS world are the equivalent of a hippa violation that would get you slapped with a huge fine.  Breaking of confidentiality is a huge no no and this is when I just felt a huge weight in my chest.  I sought guidance and followed what I believed were the right steps.  Long story short, my foundation that I begged God for is gone.  It has taught me that my only foundation should be in Him and that He has something more for me.  I’ve had the pleasure of finding a new church that is challenging me to dig deeper into my faith, new friends that are opening me up to new relationships, and a place where I feel God was drawing me for my next season.  IMG_2221

One thing I have learned is that all people hurt, heal, and grow in different ways and in different times.  Each person has the right to do their journey with God and not be judged.  I was really angry at the restoration program itself at first and was going to quit, which only hurts me and God.  It took me a few conversations with God to realize that the meaning of “Evaluate all my relationships.  Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for the harm I’ve done to others when possible” doesn’t not have the same meaning for all people.  Sometimes unanswered prayers are the best prayers and you just have to be thankful for that season, move on, and follow Gods lead.

Here is my little #messtoamessage summary…

Don’t be afraid to lose people in your life.  God put them there for a reason and He knows that big picture so trust Him if He removes them.  There is a purpose for each person you meet.  Some of the most hurtful people in my life have taught me the most valuable lessons so, I’m thankful for the way each and every step happened.

It has been over a year since I have been a main presenter for Standing Courageous and its education program and I’ve only blogged once in the last year.   Tomorrow, I will be presenting for the trauma update at Mercy.  Let me tell you, the preparation for this is difficult.  I have spent theIMG_6492 last 15 months working on my recovery; physically, emotionally and spiritually.  The last year and a half have brought moments that I thought would break me but God came along and helped me.  I have worked hard to move past all that and today it’s like I’m just walking back into the lions den.

I have spent the majority of today going through all my case files, documentation, and pictures from my assault.  I put the presentation on the big screen to practice the flow and timing.  I’m at work today and was practicing this in our training room alone.  There came a moment when my main face shot was on the screen and I found myself starring at her.  I lost myself in the pain in her eyes and tears started to roll down my face.

IMG_1319This will be my first true test of my recovery.  There are hundreds of feelings all running through me at the same time and they’re difficult to grasp a hold of.  In the past, I had nightmares after days like this so I would go home and drink to quiet the memories.  That will not be a crutch for me this time.

God has been preparing me for this.  Genesis 50:20, As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

Today, my past and present collided in my heart.  As God calls on my heart that this is my purpose as much as my passion, evil plays on my fear of slipping back to that place and those behaviors.  As I am sitting here at work typing this, I just received a Facebook message from a stranger, it was confirmation, #GodWink, from God this is His will and He will get me through these next two nights and all those to come.