Mess to a Message

My Journey of Recovery and a New Life in Christ

Lately, my insides have felt like a battle ground for the battle of who I was and who I so badly want to be.   There are moments when I can see this future that is beyond anything anyone led me to believe I ever deserved.   Then there are those moments when I remember the way things have always worked out and what I’ve been told since I was a little girl. IMG_8549

Yesterday, I sat in church and had an experience I’ve never had before.  I wrote down a thought in my planner that I take sermon notes in.  At the end of the service, as the pastor was addressing the congregation, that pastor gave me my answer, God answered me through him.  I became physically sick and went to the bathroom to throw up.

All day yesterday, like many of the days over the past month or so, there was this heaviness in my chest.  I’ve described it as a feeling of my emotions being held captive inside me.  There have been moments where I want to engage in something or someone but the little IMG_8550spot in me that hangs on to the ‘what has been” and the “what ifs” holds me back from being able to.  Today, that spot is gone.

I firmly believe there are moments in our lives where we are forever completely changed.  That one moment in time marks our life with a before and after, last night I had one of those moments.

God has been guiding me to a life he wants for me.  He has been putting people in my life that are good for the life He has planned for me.  Most of all, He has been calling me to move from the places that I was comfortable at.  I need to move to continue to grow and I have been ignoring His voice telling me so. IMG_8553
Today, I feel the most amazing sense of freedom.  I’m not afraid to let go of the things that have been holding my emotions hostage.  I’m not afraid to submit my life to God.  I no longer care about the way things have always been but more about how amazing things will be.  I know that if I live from the inside out and let God live in me, I can face whatever comes my way.  Today, I feel the most overwhelming feeling of love and happiness.  I don’t know how I ever lived my life without God but I am so thankful for His grace and mercy so that I can have a chance to build this relationship with Him now.

All I can say is this, if you feel like your life has more than you can handle or that there is something missing, open up to the thought of letting God work in your life as He has mine.  Take time to visit a church, go to a local Celebrate Recovery program, or just sit down and pray to Him.  I promise if you’ll open up to Him, He will do for you what He has done for so many others.

One of the hardest things I’ve hard to learn lately is that I am not powerful enough to remove or add people into my life that God does not want there.  I have tried to hang onIMG_8392 to people way to long and there have been people I have tried to get rid of that just keep on staying in my life.  I was reading the saying to the right and I completely disagree.  I believe there is a lesson or reason to each person being in your life.  I look back over the friendships in my life and how some of them had ended and am so thankful things went the way they did.

There is one particular person that I was inseparable with.  I would say this was probably the first time I had what was consider a best friend.  I was accused of something by this person that was completely against my morals and I did not take it laying down.  It has been hell ever IMG_8393since.  I still have to cross paths with this person from time to time.  She has made it very clear that I am hated.  Although I was devastated at the time for the loss of this friendship, it is one of my most appreciated blessings.  I’ve learned that people grow spiritually and personally at different paces, some stall and some flourish.  I realize that had God not removed them, I would probably never had room to grow.  I outgrew that friendship and it was time for me to move on to do what God had in store for me.

Lately, I have struggled with God and some newly formed friendships.  I had been praying for God to give me some friends that believed in God and that would support my desire to grow spiritually. I found that in the last year and was so happy.  I believed that I had finally had a spiritual foundation that I could start building on.  I was grounded inIMG_8133 serving, bible study, and a restoration program.  I frequently included these people in my gratitude list each day and prayed for them to stay for a long time.  After a while, things started to not feel right.  I was joining in on the type of conversations that destroyed my self esteem when I was on the other side of it.  You see, I would have the worst gut feelings after I left because it seemed that whoever wasn’t present, is who was the topic of conversations.  I can’t even tell you some of the things that I’ve heart about myself that have been discussed at such gatherings.  I found myself stuck and torn.  I didn’t have the guts to say, we shouldn’t being talking about people like this, so I went along.  I slowly started not liking the woman in the mirror again, I was disappointed in her.  I started pulling away slowly and wasn’t sure how to handle it.  Then there was the IMG_2176moment that would change everything, I listen to things I had no business listening to.  I asked myself, “what are you doing and why are you still listening?”  These are huge no no’s and in my EMS world are the equivalent of a hippa violation that would get you slapped with a huge fine.  Breaking of confidentiality is a huge no no and this is when I just felt a huge weight in my chest.  I sought guidance and followed what I believed were the right steps.  Long story short, my foundation that I begged God for is gone.  It has taught me that my only foundation should be in Him and that He has something more for me.  I’ve had the pleasure of finding a new church that is challenging me to dig deeper into my faith, new friends that are opening me up to new relationships, and a place where I feel God was drawing me for my next season.  IMG_2221

One thing I have learned is that all people hurt, heal, and grow in different ways and in different times.  Each person has the right to do their journey with God and not be judged.  I was really angry at the restoration program itself at first and was going to quit, which only hurts me and God.  It took me a few conversations with God to realize that the meaning of “Evaluate all my relationships.  Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for the harm I’ve done to others when possible” doesn’t not have the same meaning for all people.  Sometimes unanswered prayers are the best prayers and you just have to be thankful for that season, move on, and follow Gods lead.

Here is my little #messtoamessage summary…

Don’t be afraid to lose people in your life.  God put them there for a reason and He knows that big picture so trust Him if He removes them.  There is a purpose for each person you meet.  Some of the most hurtful people in my life have taught me the most valuable lessons so, I’m thankful for the way each and every step happened.