Through My Eyes

My journey through recovery and the transformation into the new me after abuse

I was recently interviewed for a women’s group I am a member of.  I was asked to look at my profile, update, and finish it.  I asked what was wrong with it and the lady mentioned that I had no degrees listed and that I had no business background mentioned.  Through our talk I felt as if she didn’t think I deserved to be on a page with these other women.  I looked at several profiles and these women have amazing pedigree, strong business backgrounds, and more initials behind their names than I could ever imagine.  I sat there for a brief moment and thought to myself, maybe I don’t belong with this group.  A little voice inside of me reminded me exactly what I am made of. Here is what I wrote to the lady who interviewed me:

Thank you for your time and effort on my profile.  I have decided that it would be better for me to leave my profile as it is.  When I first wrote my profile, it was done with sincerity and truthfulness.  I do not feel that I would be happy with myself tomorrow if I change it today.  I took your advice and looked at other profiles.  I think those women in the profiles I read through are amazing.  But ma’am, I too am amazing in my very own way.  I have something that no amount of pedigree, education, or money can buy.  I have experiences.  I fight for change for domestic violence victims and survivors.  I have been that girl.  The girl who looks into the eyes of a man who says I love you and believed him.  I have been that girl who came under verbal assault from that same man.  I have lovingly held the hands of the man who pledges his love and devotion one minute and uses those same hands to punish me the next.  I have stood there under a physical assault as that man told me how many ways he could kill me.  I’ve laid there with that mans’ hands around my throat while he strangles me, begging to God to just end it.  I know what it is to be conditioned and return to that same man and beg for forgiveness. I know what it is feel betrayal as I learned of his multiple infidelities yet for some reason thought it was my fault. 

 I know what it is to hit bottom.  I know what it is to binge drink because the woman you see in the mirror makes you sick.  I know what it is to hate that girl in the mirror because you no longer see the person you know you are but because you now believe what everyone else says about you.  I know what it is to repeat the same mistakes over and over.  I know what it is to date not just one abuser but to repeatedly pick them.  I know what it is to hate life so much that you try to end it. I know what it is to feel cheated by the legal system.  I know what it is to feel so alone, empty, and betrayed.  I know what it is to walk through the hallways as people look at you with judgement. 

 Survival, I know what it is to be a survivor.  I know what it is to realize there is nowhere else to go but up.  I know what it is to stand up, brush myself off, and say to myself “this is not how my story will end”.  I know what it is to devote myself to the service of others.  I would give up my life for someone if it meant keeping them from the horrible path that I have taken.  I know that those things happened to me for a purpose. I believe it God and my faith was strengthened through that horrible journey.  I believe that through that tragedy, God revealed my purpose.  I believe that God gave me the courage to stand up for others and fight for change. 

I have passion, integrity, drive, conviction, loyalty, and humility. The things that I have to offer cannot be presented on a written profile.  You see, my value is seen by those who truly know me.  Some things in life cannot be read, you have to hear them to be truly affected, like the first time you hear an unborn child’s heartbeat.  You have to see them; like the first time you witness the miracle of birth.  You have to feel them; like the first time you feel your heartbeat faster because you like the person next to you. 

Thank you for your offer to “fix” my profile but there is no way of putting on paper who, what, or why I am.  I think I will choose to leave it as it is because it is from me and my heart.  I learned the hard way that I am just fine the way I am and I am much better when I keep my own version of myself.  God bless you and thank you again.

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