It has been over a year since I have been a main presenter for Standing Courageous and its education program and I’ve only blogged once in the last year. Tomorrow, I will be presenting for the trauma update at Mercy. Let me tell you, the preparation for this is difficult. I have spent the last 15 months working on my recovery; physically, emotionally and spiritually. The last year and a half have brought moments that I thought would break me but God came along and helped me. I have worked hard to move past all that and today it’s like I’m just walking back into the lions den.
I have spent the majority of today going through all my case files, documentation, and pictures from my assault. I put the presentation on the big screen to practice the flow and timing. I’m at work today and was practicing this in our training room alone. There came a moment when my main face shot was on the screen and I found myself starring at her. I lost myself in the pain in her eyes and tears started to roll down my face.
This will be my first true test of my recovery. There are hundreds of feelings all running through me at the same time and they’re difficult to grasp a hold of. In the past, I had nightmares after days like this so I would go home and drink to quiet the memories. That will not be a crutch for me this time.
God has been preparing me for this. Genesis 50:20, As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
Today, my past and present collided in my heart. As God calls on my heart that this is my purpose as much as my passion, evil plays on my fear of slipping back to that place and those behaviors. As I am sitting here at work typing this, I just received a Facebook message from a stranger, it was confirmation, #GodWink, from God this is His will and He will get me through these next two nights and all those to come.