Mess to a Message

My Journey of Recovery and a New Life in Christ

All alone I sit and cry
Watching the world slip on by
I hate that girl in the mirror
Scared, lonely, full of fear
People look and see my mask
Keeping the façade is such a task
Smiles, laughter, and I’m just doing fine
It’s easy to keep up all the time
They say she’s pretty, passionate, and smart
Little do they know I’m falling apart
In the quiet times his voice haunts me
Abuse that leaves marks you cannot see
To ease the pain, I drank a lot
So many nights I have forgot
It was my innocence that he stole
A silent storm brewed in my soul
Farewell my friends, I surrender the fight
I attempted to end it all that night
But God showed mercy and His grace
Leading me to people of Faith
Only He knows his plans for me
But “God Winks” are what I see
It’s a different girl now in the mirror
No longer sad and full of fear
A good foundation, sponsor, and friends
It’s a way to heal and make amends
Building a relationship between God and me
To do inventory and take accountability
People who inspire, encourage, and pray
To praise together and help lead the way
I look forward to Friday nights you see
That’s where I found the path to recovery.
If you ever find yourself in a spot like mine
I hope you remember this personal rhyme
Because with open arms they will greet you
And help guide you to recovery too

      Today is a new day. It’s funny how life works out sometimes. More than that, it’s completely amazing how God works in my life. When I was at church on Sunday, the message felt like it was talking to me. It has bothered me all week. I haven’t been doing my battles in my war room like I should. I haven’t been putting my worries in God’s hands like I should. I went to the Basilica and the shrine for the Our Lady of Consolation this week. I felt that God was giving me another tap on the shoulder. I even had a little visit from my maternal grandma while I was there.  Do you think I listen, nope?  

     I have been frustrated lately.  We received the keys to our first office for Standing Courageous June 1st.  Guess what, it’s July 22 and we have done absolutely nothing with it.  I haven’t had time.  I had been praying for more time so that I can work in the office more.  I’ve been praying for people to have time to help me as well.  Here is the thing I need to come to terms with, God doesn’t our answer our prayers by giving us what we want, he gives us what we need.  Yesterday, I was supposed to go to the lake for a weekend getaway.   I wanted and needed that time away, or so I thought.  My friend messaged me and said she wouldn’t be able to go till later.  At that point, I didn’t even want to go up.  By the time we would be leaving it would be late so I just stayed home. 

      I worked on Standing Courageous stuff all afternoon.  I started going through my email and saw an invite to a recovery group through the church I had expressed interest in.  I had this feeling in my gut that I should go and I did.  God meant for me to be there, I am one hundred percent sure on that.  I listened to a testimony from someone who had a life that mirrored my own.   I met a few people who welcomed me with open arms.  As much as I wanted to go to the lake for a weekend getaway, I needed this more.  My prayers were answered, just not how I wanted them to be.  Instead of going to the lake, my friend and I are working on Standing Courageous stuff.  As for me, I hear God loud and clear for once.  I am putting my faith in him that he has closed a door to me twice so I will quit knocking. 

     I opened up my Facebook a few moments ago.  My time hop had three posts that were messages to me: 1. A pic of a man and God.  The quotes on it said “Don’t give up.  I am still working on you.  God.  2.  A pic of a single daisy in the middle of a crowd.  The quote says, “Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone.  3.  A post written by me from 7 years ago that says, “is thinking about going back to school. I think I would really like to go to Law school. I wonder if I could do it working full time? I have always wanted to be a lawyer and I would love to help DV victims.”  Well, well, well… I started my criminal justice degree and I started Standing Courageous but haven’t had the time to work on either.  God has made sure I have the time now.  I guess it’s time to go after what I have always wanted.